The "C" Word
For over a week, I refused to call the abnormal cells in my breast the dreaded “C” word. I could not bring myself to speak aloud what the nurse told me clearly, “I’m so sorry that your test is positive for early stage breast cancer.” Not me. This possibility seemed so far from reality, in spite of the annual diagnostic mammograms and ultrasounds, I convinced myself that my breasts might be dense, but I never needed to worry about cancer.
Finally, I have to admit the truth, “I have breast cancer.” I hate the way it sounds and resist becoming another part of the statistics. What I have learned in just two weeks is that I am incredibly fortunate to live with this new diagnosis in the year 2016. Technology today allows the doctors to discover cancer before it becomes invasive and a woman is faced with treatments like radiation and chemotherapy though intended to bring healing to the body may simultaneously bring harm as well.
Along with others I have to wonder what we as women in the modern world are exposing ourselves to that leads to this alien invading the cells of one of the most vital parts of our feminine nature. How do these deadly cells find their way into our milk glands and milk ducts? I realize I truly know very little about my own anatomy. Taking time now to study the structure and function of the female breast as a means to provide nutrition to our babies is incredibly fascinating. Of course, God also created our breasts as part of our beauty as women. Honestly, I’ve never thought so much about female breasts nor had so many open conversations about the breasts of friends than in the past week.
Pondering these things helps me better understand the incredible sorrow I am experiencing agreeing to allow a surgeon to take her scalpel in hand and remove this part of me that is so wrapped up in my identity. I truly do not comprehend the attitude of “just cut them out.” Every part of our bodies, internally and externally, was intricately woven by an amazing Creator who intelligently purposed every vessel, gland, muscle, cell to work in harmony that we might have health and life. Too often, we make choices to abuse the amazing human body God created. We take for granted our health will simply be there, until we wear out the parts through aging or abuse.
I am drawn into deeper consideration of Genesis 2 and 3 which describes the incredible care and love with which God created man and woman. David understood the ingenuity of God and the love God shows when every human is formed beginning in the womb, “You made all the delicate, inner parts of my boy and knit me together in my mother’s womb. Thank you for making me so wonderfully complex! Your workmanship is marvelous – and how well I know it. “ Psalm 139:13-14
So God understands my sorrow in losing this part of me He created. I must be allowed to grieve. I believe the grief is part of the healing process that is before me. I now feel more deeply for those with breast cancer who go through this gut wrenching process as well as those who may lose other parts of their body due to disease or accident. Every part is valuable to us, some we can survive without and some parts can be artificially replaced . I recognize that I am incredibly fortunate that I can live without my breasts. I have the opportunity to have a plastic surgeon recreate breasts that appear visually like the real thing. No matter how “good” they may look and the humorous remarks from well meaning friends, I will always know they aren’t the same.
Reflection is dawning on the meaning behind sacrificing a part of us for a greater prize. I sacrifice my natural breasts for better health and security from future disease. A much greater sacrifice is when someone gives up part of themselves, even their lives, so someone else may have health or security or a future. Did not Jesus say, “There is no greater love than to lay down one's life for one's friends.” (John 15:13.) So in the greater scheme of things, my sacrifice is so very small.
I am even more humbled with the knowledge that“God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son.” So, honestly, none of us when looking up can ask, “Why bring this disease on me? Why must I suffer? Why must I sacrifice?” Rather, I must ask, “Why would Jesus die for me?” “Why would God love me so much?” I am unworthy, undeserving and lacking in all good things. Love. God is Love. God loves the world. God loves me. Why? Jesus came not to condemn the world, but to restore us into a loving relationship with the Father, so “whoever believes in Jesus shall not perish but have eternal life.” Even as He spoke to the prophet Jeremiah centuries before, Jesus must have looked from the cross upon his persecutors, his mother and all mankind past, present and future thinking, “I know the plans I have for you. They are plans for good…to give you a future and a hope.” God’s promises range from one end of the earth to the other. Jesus died for our “sinful nature” for the purpose of restoring our relationship with His Father. Jesus was resurrected from death to give us a future and a hope. Jesus returned to heaven to intercede for us and fill us with His Spirit.
Best news of all- Jesus is coming again. So see in the grand scheme of eternity, my pain, sadness and distress holds such little relevance. This too shall pass and one day in the months ahead I shall dance and kneel and sing to the Lord my God whose love reaches farther than the eye can see or imagination can venture. His love touches me and I am transformed. I almost forgot how this story started. “I have breast cancer. Yet, I have a future and a hope.”
