Thoughts on a Sunny Day in a Not so Sunny Place
My body desired to roll either left or right, but it was too painful. The clock read 3am. The ice packs had grown warm and provided more discomfort than comfort. The ace bandages that tightly wrapped my breasts felt suffocating.
Why does God allow disease and tragedy to invade those whom He loves so much. I find myself reflecting back to the Garden of Eden. The garden full of every thing man and woman needed to be healthy and whole. They literally walked with God and were able to have face-to-face conversations with Him. I ask why? Why would they give all that away for a bite of a juicy, delectable fruit from a tree they knew was not good for them? In the heat of the moment, each one made a conscious choice and took a big bite. In that moment of decision, their choice caused them to experience new emotions for the first time: regret, shame and sin. The serpent had not told them about this part of the story. He was a liar. He still is today.
I have thought about choices I have made over the years that are not always best for me. Choices in what I eat, how I care for my body, what I allow into my mind, and the relationships I have chosen during my lifetime. If only each time, I had paused to consider the future consequences of those choices. Sometimes, the things that happen to us are the result of those choices, some from long ago or from choices someone else made that impact us.
I have realized that the view of my life and my world is incredibly limited by time and space and mental capacity. God’s view is a full 360 within an infinite spectrum . I may not understand his perspective today, but one day, I believe it will make more sense. For me the key is getting reacquainted with the nature of God. My heart knows that He is good and kind and loving. In fact, He is the definition of all of those. I can seek to comprehend that side of his character. He is also just and all knowing and present everywhere. My mind is too small to understand that concept. However, I know that He IS goodness and kindness and love, so I can accept his justice and knowledge. I am the created one. He is the Creator. He loves me so much. Love does not seek to keep a record of wrongs and hates injustice. Love is kind and patient and full of hope. That’s the God I know.
I cannot answer questions for others regarding the circumstances in which they find themselves. I do know that when sin came into God’s created order, everything went out of order. All of nature changed. Humankinds’ soul was pierced with emotions not intended in creation such as pride, jealousy, fear, anger and hate, all characteristics of a broken relationship with God, an indication of our sinful nature. Throughout history, God sent messengers to teach his beloved creation how to live better with each other and how to know him. The Bible is full of written instructions for healthy living and healthy relationships. God’s ways are so much better than our ways. Yet time and again, we choose our way.
Finally, He sent his one and only Son called Jesus. He served and taught and walked among humanity reminding everyone of the nature of God – unfathomable love. No one was forced to follow, but all were invited to come. No penance had to be made, just a confession of faith and a sorrow for sins. Jesus walked to the cross and suffered far beyond any measure of illness that may affect our bodies. He chose to stay the course. He chose sacrificial love over everything else, for He knew the Father. Lord God had a plan. In the moment his mother and his disciples saw the cross as a horrible moment, the end of all their hope and plans. The cross was God’s answer to all the prayers for redemption. This was not how Israel had pictured deliverance. Yet the victory was so much greater and powerful than setting a new earthly king on a temporary throne. When Jesus spoke, “It is finished,” that was the victory cry over sin and death forever.
How thankful I am that Jesus made that choice in spite of the incredible pain and suffering he had to endure. He intimately knew the love of God and allowed God to use his life to open the gateway to heaven for anyone who would choose Him over all the rewards of earth, over the juicy fruit hanging from the tree in the garden. We’ve been given a second chance as those beautifully created in the image of God, the descendants of Adam and Eve whom God carefully crafted and shouted, “This is VERY good!” I honestly don’t have the words to express my gratitude to Jesus for what He did for me. This “cancer” that is trying to invade my body and causes me to face some days of discomfort and difficult choices pales in comparison to what He did for me.
God has shown me that his healing may not come in the way I prefer, but I trust that His healing is the best way. He has provided for me excellent medical care and the means to access it. If I have to “give up” my breasts for total healing, in the eternal scheme that is a small price to pay. I have been praying that God would give me longevity in life. So perhaps his amazing, yet unexpected answer to prayer is for me to lose my breasts where this terrible disease called cancer that causes death and pain and suffering is breeding. Yes, that’s a trade off, but one I may have to take for the greater blessing. I do know that I am seeking to trust God completely.
The day after receiving my diagnosis, I was on my knees praying when I had a vision of Jesus smiling and he said, “I’ve got this!” I looked to see who He was speaking to and saw my mom, clapping and smiling and dancing, so joyful. She was young and her face beamed with happiness. I laughed and cried at the same time. Her love for me has stretched into heaven! I marveled that she was right there beside Jesus who looked so lovingly upon her. In that moment, I saw so much joy. An amazing peace invaded my soul.
Just before going in for the double biopsies yesterday, I received a message from a good friend who shared with me a vision when she was praying that morning. This is what she said, “Praying for you this morning and the Lord showed me a picture I want to share with you…. I saw you sitting at the front of a small boat and you were facing the back of it where Jesus was standing paddling the boat. You were on very peaceful waters and he was navigating the boat while you were resting in the front. What struck me was that it was a rowboat - not a motorboat. To me that means that it is good you are taking things slow - as He is navigating the direction you are to take. It's a good day when Jesus is on the scene isn't it?”
My heart jumped with joy and a smile spread over my face. I was filled again with incredible peace. Jesus was reminding me, “I’ve got this.” For the next four and half-hours as I endured multiple MRI’s and mammography, that image was in my mind and his words in my heart. As I lay face down on the MRI table in a not so comfortable position and the table slid back into the imaging machine, only the chorus of the end of a pop song piped through the earphones, “Wherever you go, whatever you do, I will be right here waiting for you. Whatever it takes, I will be right here waiting for you. “ Then the thumping and whirring noise of the machine drowned out the remaining words as I smiled and said, “Thank you, Jesus.”
